November 16, 2010

Feeling Guilty

I feel some sort of guilts with regards to raising my son. I know that every child development varies from one another. If I could just turn the clock back, I could have been more aggressive in teaching/guiding my son. I'm having hard time in potty training. I could have introduced sippy cup earlier so he could not have the option of not liking it at all. He drinks water in a cup, but will only drink his milk on the bottle. He's kinda choosy now when it comes to food. I wish I'm not that lazy & uninterested in cooking so that I can introduce better nutritious food for my son. I wish I've read lots of books/lots of times to him when he was younger so that his interest clings on that side. I've been a sahmy for more than 2 years now, I could have done better. Now, I'm pressured to meet/accomplish things that a 2 1/2 year old should have been doing. He don't talk that much even we start the conversation. He just want to talk whenever he wants. He communicates thru screaming / crying which are signs of frustration that he can't able to say what he wants. I don't know there are lots of things I wish I could have done. But, now I want to be aggressive in teaching him to do things that his age supposed to be doing. I could have ask help from Early Intervention to evaluate his speech/language status but there were some factors that I opted not to pursue. I feel so frustrated though I still have time and I know to each his own pace of learning. Maybe part of my being first time mom & away from my parents which I could ask immediately for some assistance & advice are the reasons. Though my inlaws are just few miles away from us, but I don't want to bother them because they are still working and have other grand children to take care of. From time to time, they call and ask how's everything which I'm so grateful for having them around. But it's easier to consult my own parents because they know what am I talking about & know who I am & capable of doing. So, if I mentioned to them that my son is starting to be picky in terms of food, my parents know right away the cause of it, and that's of me not knowing anything in the kitchen & uninterested in cooking. I can hear my mom saying, you should learn how to cook/prepare food for your son, you can't feed him the food you're having (mostly processed 'coz it's easier/quick to prepare). I don't have a career right now 'coz I've chosen to take care of my son than sending him to daycare at early age. Motherhood is such a hard career, you will be paid with love & care. I want to excel in this career. I don't want to fail as a mom seeing my son quite left behind (too early to say) . I hate this fear coming from my being perfectionist and experiences of excelling in school & job. I wish there's a book entitled Motherhood 101. I know, I'm sweating a small stuff here. Well, this is just expressing what's bothering me now. This too shall pass.

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